Complaining. Feel free to disregard.

In Kaolack today, but going back to site in a little bit. It always is difficult mobilizing enough energy and effort to actually make the trip back down there- have to get a taxi to the market, walk to the garage while ignoring all the obnoxious moto drivers hissing at me to get my attention, find the car, wait forever for the thing to leave, endure the bumpy, 4-5 hour ride back and end up in my village where work and Wolof people await me. As you can imagine, it's always tempting to spend an extra day here, drinking cold water, eating real food, watching movies on my computer when I don't have to worry about the battery dying, speaking in English. Sigh. But that's what America is for, right?

Disclaimer: I'm going to complain a little. There's no reason one can't vent in public on their blog to the world, right?

Senegal gets really tiring sometimes. You're exhausted by the heat, the culture, the lack of communication because of language barriers and cultural misunderstandings, the work, the food... the list goes on. Not that I don't think this is a rewarding experience and I'm going to toughen up and push through, but sometimes you've just got to give up for a day or two and stop trying to be the perfect volunteer. Even if you are the perfect volunteer, you will probably leave this country having made an impact on a few people's lives, maybe taught some new skills or started some good projects, but that doesn't mean that what you do will be continued or remembered forever. Volunteers are not gods to Senegalese people, they are foreigners with money that occasionally you can interact with. Ok that's a mild generalization, but it's hard to really have a full life conversation about what my job is as a volunteer and the purpose of Peace Corps with every single person I meet on the street. Sometimes you have to just look down at the ground and keep on walking.

I do have good days here. I have a fantastic relationship with my family, great work partners, a beautiful site, and some very good friends (though most of them are currently home on vacation). There are times though when that's not enough- being here is a constant reminder of who you are because you are very aware that you don't fit in. It's a study in human psychology- group mentality always singles out the person with different color skin, who doesn't speak the language or do things the same way as everyone else. I don't always want to drink attaya, I don't want to wear a complet everyday and yes, I do like to read for fun. What gives. My host uncle, who is home in Keur Andallah for school vacation but normally teaches in Sokone, had a conversation with me the other day. He asked why I always just like to sit and read in the evening. What is my job here in Senegal? He is a teacher after all, and he knows that it is difficult to always have conversations about things like early marriage and having many children without the ability to support them, but he still said I could try using my time by having conversations with villagers about problems in Senegal and how they can take small steps to fix them. I do that, I really do. I've sat in the field and talked about culture and families and environmental issues and education.

But I'm only human. Humans have limits. We need friends, a sense of belonging, a sense of comfort. That's hard to come by in this country for a volunteer. We do our best, but we get sick and tired just like everyone else. Sometimes you just have to face that and make it through another day. So I'm still going back to site today. I'll continue to deal with the frustrations of being a volunteers and handle them in whatever way I can. I'm blessed to have this opportunity, but I've gotta say- sometimes it's just easier pretending I'm not here for a little while.